The Frumplingtons

I’ve been buying bits ‘n’ bobs on ebay ready for my next big craft adventure. It’s not a hobby, it’s an OBSESSION!!

One of the items I purchased was ric-rac, to me that sounds like some type of medieval torture instrument. Never mind the thumb-screws, torture by ric-rac sounds far more terrifying!

To purchase my delightfully crafty works, then nip over to ebay and peruse the goodies we have on offer in The Frumplingtons Shoppe

And if you’re wondering why, when Chris needed a new pair of slippers, I didn’t make him a new pair. Well the answer is simple…I couldn’t find a large enough piece of fabric

Shana

I have crossed the Rubicon: this week I bought a new pair of slippers.

There is no going back now. The old pair — a rich royal blue, sporting a gold-coloured rampant lion emblem (grr!) — were ceremonially tossed into the bin and left out for Lincoln’s much-maligned bin men yesterday.

Visitors to Frumplingtons Central (bring your own bottle) can now observe me fully kitted out in my rather natty new black-ribbed faux corduroy pair. They are the very epitome of cool, even if I do say so myself.

Three years ago, or thereabouts, I decided to forgo the pleasures of the Evil Weed. Therefore, I shall, alas, never be able to describe myself as ‘a pipe and slippers man’. And to be perfectly honest, the phrase ‘former fag and slippers man’ doesn’t have quite such a desirable cachet. Maybe I need an entire image makeover. Or should I just get my old meerschaum out of the cupboard instead?

Chris

Author Bill Bryson has been made an honorary OBE for his contribution to literature. We think this shows excellent judgement on the part of those who hand out these honours. We can’t think of anyone who deserves an OBE more.

I myself have read almost everything the great Bill Bryson has ever written, with the notable exception of his latest opus The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid. However, a glance at the calendar reveals that it is almost that time in the Judaeo-Christian calendar known in the vernacular as ‘Chrimbo’. And there just happens to be a book-sized space available in my rather generously proportioned Christmas stocking. (In fact, as my Christmas stocking is in fact one half of a pair of fishnet long-johns, there might be room for a Blue Peter annual in there as well.)

Keen Frumplingtons fans who would like to donate either of these books to us had better get their purchases sorted out soon. We will stand under the clock at Lincoln railway station at midnight on Christmas Eve; a suitably anonymous time and place for the covert handover of said books. (Donors to provide own appropriately festive wrapping paper, bows, gift tags etc. Please carry also a copy of that day’s Times newspaper as indication that you are a bona fide Frumplingtons reader.)

Oh, hang on though: midnight’s far too late. We’ll be tucked up in bed with a pint of cocoa by eleven. Looks like you’re off the hook then.

Chris

It’s a dangerous world we live in nowadays, that’s for sure. But maybe sometimes we worry a bit too much: according to BBC News, the organisers of a village Christmas party at Embsay in the Yorkshire Dales, have been told they must carry out a risk assessment of their mince pies - or their festivities will be cancelled.

Council bosses say posters will have to be displayed at the party… warning villagers the pies contain nuts and suet pastry. The cocoa content and temperature of the hot chocolate must also be checked.

Those of a less charitable bent might say that the only thing that actually does contain nuts is the council. (Although, speaking personally, I couldn’t possibly allow myself to take sides on this issue.)

Naturally, heat resistant asbestos gloves would be far too dangerous to be supplied to protect partygoers’ fingers. I suppose they’ll have to make do with oven mitts instead. Or they could go for the all-in-one biohazard suit (pictured above, in a rather fetching yellow hue — arms akimbo stance not recommended).

Chris

You know how sometimes you get a tune or a song going round your head; it just seems to get in there from nowhere, totally uninvited, and it can take all bloomin’ day for it to disappear?

Well, today’s top choon was Cracklin’ Rosie by Neil Diamond. Apparently, it’s about the impact of alcohol on Native American society. However, I’m sure I might have seen CRACKLIN’ ROSIE once, made up into a number plate and displayed in the windscreen of an articulated lorry driven by some bearded hulk a few years ago somewhere along an English motorway — ah, the good old days of CB radio ‘handles’ (I never had one myself but if I had I would probably have styled myself FUNKMEISTER; or perhaps WEEBLE (they wobble but they don’t fall down, y’know).

Cracklin’ Rosie has gone now. Replaced by Didn’t We Have A Loverly Time…The Day We Went To Bangor…

Aaaaaaarrrgh!!

Chris

We found this story last night on BBC’s Ceefax teletext pages. We both read it three times, such was our disbelief at the levels of stupidity that can be reached by even the most capable human beings. If you ever thought technology might save the world, think again…

A London Ambulance crew was sent 200 miles to Manchester by a faulty satellite navigation system while transferring a patient to hospital.

The team were supposed to take the man from King George Hospital in Ilford to Mascalls Park Hospital in Brentwood. But they did not realise their equipment was faulty until the reached the outskirts of Manchester.

London Ambulance said the patient was in a comfortable condition throughout the eight-hour journey.

The spokesman said: “We believe the crew … followed the directions given by the navigation system, without manually confirming their destination.

source: BBC News [Ambulance sent off course by GPS]

Now, as I understand it, sat-nav systems might tell you which turnings to take, but it is still up to the individual driver to observe the correct procedures at traffic lights, road junctions and so on. So how hard can it be to tell the difference, on a motorway sign, between BRENTWOOD and MANCHESTER ?

I suppose those those involved are relieved that their sat-nav sent them to Manchester; it could have been worse: they might have ended up on the crumbling coastline of Norfolk instead.

Crossing Lincoln’s Broadgate this morning, we spotted a white box van and we were mighty puzzled by the wording on the side: “Country Oven (m/c) Ltd…Wholesale bakers of morning goods.”

“What the heffalump are ‘morning goods’ supposed to be?” we wondered. “Do they mean bread. And if so, then why not just say so, instead of trying to jazz it up with all that baker’s jargon? ‘Morning goods’ indeed. Pah!” (It’s not easy being a simpleton, you know.)

Anyhow, it seems that it isn’t fancy baker’s talk after all. The Flour Advisory Bureau (yes, they really exist, so if you ever need advice on floury matters, why not give ‘em a call?) has this to say:

Bakery Snacks (Morning Goods)
Morning goods are so called because whilst bread was traditionally baked in a hot oven during the night, morning goods were baked after bread in the morning when the oven was cooling. Morning goods include products such as rolls and baps, scones, teacakes, buns and other fruited products, muffins, crumpets and pikelets, pancakes and griddle scones, waffles, potato cakes, croissants, brioches, and bagels.

And apparently, morning goods are big business; back to the flour folk again:

The morning goods sector has grown considerably in recent years. This is partly because the goods, which, we traditionally ate at teatime, have become popular snacks, which are eaten throughout the day. Also, certain goods that were only previously available seasonally (such as hot cross buns and mince pies) are now available all year round. The total bakery snacks market accounts for 26% by volume and more than one third by value of the total bread market (source: Federation of Bakers)

A cursory search of th’internet revealed that Country Oven Ltd are based in Oldham, Lancs. We’re still none the wiser as to the meaning of that mysterious ‘m/c’ on their van. I thought it might be short for ‘master confectioners’, but why abbreviate it thus. And I’m probably guessing wrong anyway.

So, if you are connected with Country Oven in any way, why not leave a comment explaining what the m/c is all about.

Oh, and if you are from Country Oven, any chance you could send us some free croissants? We don’t need waffles: we have enough waffle of our own!

Chris