The Frumplingtons

Shana can be the most amusing company at times; take this morning as an example. On our way into town we had just passed the cheap fridge and cooker centre and were crossing Gowts Bridge. “Look at those trees,” I said to Shana. “They’re ash trees. Repeat after me: ‘ash trees‘.”

“Ash trees,” Shana replied, not knowing what was coming next. ‘Ash trees’, you see, sounds remarkably like a-tishoo!, a sure sign of a sneeze.

“Bless you!” I said.

At this point, Shana realised I had been playing a joke.

And scowled.

And maybe I should have left it there. But I didn’t. And lo! on the way home we once more had to cross Gowt’s Bridge. (It’s a darned long walk round if we try to avoid it, that’s for sure!)

“Look at those trees,” I piped up. “They’re ash trees. Repeat after me: ‘ash trees’.”

“Bulwarks!”** said Shana.

“Bless you!” I replied, slightly peeved but otherwise unfazed. But the message had finally gotten through. A joke can be funny once but, like the leather on the sole of a discount shoe, it can wear a bit thin in a very short time. We live and learn.

** For a translation of what Shana really said, go to Babel Fish and see if that’s any help to you.

This news item made me laugh. Police are looking for a gang who burgled a bookmaker’s shop in Bourne, south Lincolnshire, and stole the safe. This, in itself, isn’t particularly funny, although, as dear old Mama Frumplington sometimes used to say, disparagingly, “You’d probably laugh if you were on fire, you would.”

No, what made me laugh was this line at the end:

The safe is described as large and metal with a dial on the front.

It’s like a child’s description of a safe, isn’t it? Or something from a comic strip. Something like this maybe?

Jigsaw puzzles may not be everyone’s favourite pastime, but there’s no denying their educational value. We recently completed “Eurojig: a continent in pieces”, a puzzle created by Mike Jupp. It was a relief map of Europe overlaid with lots of well known characters from history, culture and fiction (Hitler, Salvador Dali, Abba, Sherlock Holmes, and lots of friendly red-bearded Vikings too).

We managed to identify the flags that made up most of the border, with a little help from The World Encyclopedia of Flags. What really had me flummoxed, though, was Sardinia. I just couldn’t work out what those round things were supposed to be that were dotted around the coast. Apparently, they are Stone Age constructions called nuraghi. So you see, you learn something new everyday.

And if, perchance, you should happen to drop the box when you’re putting the puzzle away, well, then you learn to count up to a thousand really quickly.

For more (and slightly larger) puzzle piece photos go to our brand new and highly sophisticated Jigsaw Puzzles site.

When I visit the BBC News page at Twitter, I go mainly to check the latest headlines. If I click on a link I expect it to take me to a page somewhere on bbc.co.uk where I can get more detailed information on the item I’m interested in.

I do not expect to be bounced, without warning, to READ MORE >>

If this funky yellow cardigan doesn’t persuade you to take up knitting, I don’t know what will. Just concentrate on what you’re doing, though. Don’t be put off by the model, especially the rictus grin,the dilated pupils and that crazy look that says she’s either just about to burst into song (à la Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music) or go berserk and attack the photographer with a series of Bruce Lee-inspired kung fu high kicks. Knitting is supposed to be fun, not scary.

It’s debatable whether these garments will ever come back into fashion. (Hell, it’s debatable whether they were ever in fashion!) Note the unique selling point, “As recommended by the medical profession”. If anyone needs reminding, doctors used to recommend smoking Camels too. Nuff said.

The Scottish nanny state government has come up with an ingenious way to stop people smoking. (And before you ask, no, it’s not the old fire extinguisher trick.) They are going to take cigarettes off display in shops and they are going to hide them underneath the counter.

Displays of cigarettes in shops are set to become a thing of the past as part of the Scottish Government’s continuing drive to stop smoking and make Scotland healthier.

source: Scottish government press release.

What a brilliant idea! So simple, yet so effective. Don’t you wish you’d thought of it yourself?

When you think about it, that must be why Britain (and Scotland in particular) doesn’t have a chronic problem with drugs and drug-related crime: because drugs are not on display in the local newsagent’s.

Compare the Scottish idyll with what’s going on in England and you’ll see where we’re going wrong. In England it’s booze that’s the cause of all our woes:

Hospital admissions linked to alcohol use have more than doubled in England since 1995, an NHS report shows. Alcohol was the main or secondary cause of 207,800 NHS admissions in 2006/7, compared to 93,500 in 1995/96.

There has also been a 20% rise in the number of GP prescriptions for treating alcohol dependency in the past four years, the NHS Information Centre said.

source: BBC News (Hospital alcohol admissions soar)

So, why not cure our ills with the Scottish solution? Simply take all alcohol off public display. Mind you, Bargain Boooooze and Teskbury’s off-licence section are going to look a bit empty, aren’t they? But who cares? If it works, let’s do it.

While we’re about it, let’s cut knife crime (get it? ‘Cut’. ‘Knife’. Aw, please yourself…) by taking all the cutlery off all High Street department store shelves.

In fact, we could go one better than Johnny Scotsman. A lot of English pubs use plastic glasses instead of, well, glass glasses. So why not make everyone get rid of their knifey knives and switch over to rubber ones instead? That would also reduce the number of accidents in the kitchen, so it’s good news all round, isn’t it?

What other problems does Britain have? Football hooliganism? Easy solution: hide all the footballs.

Next!

Obesity epidemic? We could solve that one overnight. Just hide all the food.

Yes, as you can probably tell, we are experts on daftity and we sure as dafty heck know a daft idea when we hear one. In fact, that could be our motto: “The Frumplingtons: tough on daftness, tough on the causes of daftness”.

And the Scots’ idea of hiding the ciggies is about as daft as they come, hoots mon!

As a famous pop singer once sang, “there are more questions than answers”*. And the picture on this knitting pattern for a chunky sweater raises a whole load of questions. Like, why is the model so red in the face? Why did he choose to adopt such an uncomfortable pose? The poor chap seems to be suffering from some kind of muscle strain. I only hope they had plenty of Fiery Jack on standby.

The big question though, is did he jump or was he pushed into the canal shortly after the photo shoot? Those big woolly sweaters can get awfully heavy when they’re waterlogged, can’t they?

Glug, glug, glug…

(* It was Johnny Nash, in case you were wondering.)

The Eurovision Song Contest final is being held next Saturday. We can hardly wait. We’re already prepared for the big night:

• We’ve got home-made scoresheets and little stubby pencils from the local bookies so we can play along at home and give all those tinpot nations like France and Germany ‘nul points‘.
• We’ve got beer**. And, most important of all,
• We’ve got earplugs!

We’ll be cheering for Dustin the Turkey next weekend. Which turkey will you be voting for?

** Did I say ‘beer’? I meant ‘cake’. Sorry.

Update:

Dustin the Turkey fails to get through the semi-finals

Finished “Village green through the seasons” yesterday. The original picture was by Gale Pitt. This puzzle wasn’t especially difficult. There are lots of people and things going on in the picture, which helps you to orientate yourself; unlike certain other puzzles we’ve done, which have had vast expanses of sky or similar uniform areas of colour.

If you have a bit of wall to spare you might consider having “Village green through the seasons” turned into a mural. We did think about it but thought the 980 dollar price tag a bit steep. We could afford it if we really wanted it, I suppose. But it would mean cutting out luxuries for a while: luxuries like heating, lighting, and food. As usual, though, we have devised an alternative strategy. We already have some wall space available. All we need now is a couple of hundred of those little paint tester pots and a bit of practice at drawing sheep.

Shana! Where’s my palette and beret?