The Frumplingtons

Table tennis highlights were shown, albeit briefly, on the BBC’s Thursday evening Olympics programme. It’s a fast game, but we think it would be ideal for Britain’s former tennis hero, Tim Henman, since his retirement from ‘proper’ tennis. Just one thing worries me, though: Henman’s famous serve ‘n’ volley technique isn’t likely to get him very far in ping-pong — it’s all strictly baseline these days.

We had a couple of other stoopid great ideas for variations on table tennis. These are guaranteed to put ‘bums on seats’ in those half-empty Beijing stadia.

• Tiny table tennis: give the players a special pill or drink (see ‘Alice in Wonderland’ for full details) that would shrink them to the same height as the net. Then pop them on the table and have them play normally, as if they were on a hard court — except with a much bigger drop off the edge.
• Coffee table tennis: due to the much lower height of the table, players could remain seated in armchairs during play. 10-ounce styrofoam cups of coffee could be placed in front of each player, to provide an obstacle and give extra chances for penalty or bonus points if either player knocks over the opponent’s cup.

We hope to road test coffee table tennis soon. It might have to wait, though, till we can find a suitable umpire. If you think you can take any of this seriously enough, please apply via the comments section. We must warn you though: the pay is paltry. Well, the Olympics is supposed to be amateur rather than professional, isn’t it?