The Frumplingtons

Yes, yes, I know the original song (first by the Kinks in 1966, and covered on a few rare — and valuable — copies of that classic of 1990s lounge music, Metallica’s Black Album) was called ‘Dedicated follower of fashion’, but seriously (no, but seriously, guys!), with a cardigan like that, it kind of doesn’t ring true, does it?

Do you suppose the model whittled all those wooden figurines himself? Or do his talents lie in, ah…other areas? And, since you’re wondering, is his favourite kind of tobacco shag or ready-rubbed? Hit ‘comments: leave answers.

Anyhow, you crazy people, here’s our first knitting pattern for nearly two months. Savour!

If this funky yellow cardigan doesn’t persuade you to take up knitting, I don’t know what will. Just concentrate on what you’re doing, though. Don’t be put off by the model, especially the rictus grin,the dilated pupils and that crazy look that says she’s either just about to burst into song (à la Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music) or go berserk and attack the photographer with a series of Bruce Lee-inspired kung fu high kicks. Knitting is supposed to be fun, not scary.

It’s debatable whether these garments will ever come back into fashion. (Hell, it’s debatable whether they were ever in fashion!) Note the unique selling point, “As recommended by the medical profession”. If anyone needs reminding, doctors used to recommend smoking Camels too. Nuff said.

As a famous pop singer once sang, “there are more questions than answers”*. And the picture on this knitting pattern for a chunky sweater raises a whole load of questions. Like, why is the model so red in the face? Why did he choose to adopt such an uncomfortable pose? The poor chap seems to be suffering from some kind of muscle strain. I only hope they had plenty of Fiery Jack on standby.

The big question though, is did he jump or was he pushed into the canal shortly after the photo shoot? Those big woolly sweaters can get awfully heavy when they’re waterlogged, can’t they?

Glug, glug, glug…

(* It was Johnny Nash, in case you were wondering.)

We love old knitting patterns and we’re particularly keen on this one. Notice the contrasting textures: the tough wooden barn door, the rustic stone wall, the soft fibres of poster boy’s woolly jumper. I say ’soft’, but you never know: it might have been quite itchy at the time; depends if he was wearing a vest, I suppose.

I can’t quite make up my mind about the model so I’ll just take the mickey out of his haircut: makes a mullet look positively trendy, doesn’t it?

Shana likes knitting: I like vintage advertising material. Neither of us was quite sure what to make of this old pattern for a chunky pullover. It’s like something out of a time capsule, isn’t it? (Quick, let’s rebury it, pronto!)

One thing that’s changed since this photo was taken, is that you don’t often see people smoking; certainly not in adverts for woolly pullies, anyway. One stray spark and the model would’ve set himself on fire, wouldn’t he? But then, he isn’t actually smoking, is he? Just posing. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s wearing sock suspenders too, but the pic only shows the top half of him, so we shall never know.

Believe it or not, there are actually old knitwear ads that show people smoking pipes. I know, it’s terrible for their health, isn’t it? Must have a word with Shana and get her to put a few more of these vintage knitting patterns over on that Shana’s Crafty Corner blog. Honestly, they’re a scream.

We went shopping for books at the weekend. Shana picked up a handful of knitting patterns (looks as if I’m getting lots and lots of socks for my birthday this year) and I couldn’t resist adding one extra pattern to the pile. Not that I’m taking up knitting, you understand. At least, not right away, at any rate. I was intrigued by how knitwear used to be marketed once upon a time back in the Cold War era. Surely they wouldn’t use a photo like this nowadays, would they? The man on the right of the photo seems quite oblivious to the situation. Whereas the other two, their faces half in shadow, are clearly intent on some nefarious purpose. Those chunky sweaters say ‘U-boat captain’ to me. The man in front knows the room is bugged. This knitting photoshoot is obviously a cover for something darker. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if there’s a poison-tipped umbrella involved at some stage. Other than that, I’m saying nothing. The security of the country might be at stake.