The Frumplingtons

An imaginary typo has been buzzing around in my head recently: the BBC’s latest ratings winner (yawn…) is called ‘Last Choir Standing’. What would have happened if a senior tv production executive, being unable to read his own handwriting, had believed the title was really ‘Last Chair Standing’? Would it — could it? — have turned into a contest to find a Thomas Chippendale for the 21st century? Help me out here, somebody…

Abba’s greatest hits are currently playing on TMF. It’s good stuff to have on in the background while we busy ourselvees with other things — like making sculptures out of dust, or disinfecting the wainscot.

Like all those digital telly channels, though, TMF have to pay the rent somehow; hence the regular ad breaks. And during the most recent break there was the inevitable mind-numbing cosmetics advert. Shana couldn’t resist mimicking the model in the ad; cue typical airhead-bimbo accent:

“I’d just love to have clump-free lashes!”

“Clump-free lashes?” I exclaimed. “My Mum’s 64-years-old, and she’s still working on clump-free gravy!”

As Benny, Bjorn and the rest of the gang would say…

Mamma mia!

[The latest in our ongoing series of posts about Britain’s never-ending Christmas. For the story so far, go here and here. And may Santa have mercy on your soul…]

I don’t want to make too big an issue of this, but today’s date is 7th April.

The 7th of bleedin’ April, for folk’s sake!

And what was dear old UKTV Gold showing earlier this evening?

Yes, you guessed it (or maybe you didn’t): the 2004 Christmas episode of “My Family”. And here’s the listings screenshot to prove it:

Dang! Why didn’t somebody tell me it was Christmas already? We haven’t even got a single pack of Eat Me dates in the house!

We have written before (on several occasions) about the way Christmas seems to go on forever. This year, the festivities have gotten underway early: yesterday, on Good Friday, UK channel ITV3 showed, appropriately enough, “Jesus Christ Superstar”. Whereas ITV2 chose a different path. Their idea of traditional Easter fare was “The Grinch”! We’ve decided to hedge our bets this year: we’ll be eating Easter eggs while wearing Santa hats. (Hint: or we would be — if we’d remembered to buy an Easter egg this year.)

Hang on. It is Tuesday!

Well, thanks a lot, Dave (that’s TV channel, Dave, in case you’re wondering) for confusing us all with tonight’s offering: “Friday Night With Jonathan Ross“.

Last night, we enjoyed the latest in a series of films and documentaries that shall henceforth be known, in quasi-Film4 style, as our ‘Backlog‘ season.

It’s not as mysterious as it seems. It’s basically just a fancy name for our frantic attempt to catch up on stuff that we’ve recorded for later viewing and are only now getting round to actually watching.

(I wouldn’t mind, but we still haven’t seen “Pirates of the Caribbean”. And that was shown on telly on Christmas Eve.)

Yesterday’s offering was Dave Gorman’s ‘America Unchained’. You might remember Dave as the world’s most famous googlewhacker. If that doesn’t ring a bell, you’ve probably got even more catching up to do than we have.

‘America Unchained’ tells of how Dave tried to travel all the way across the USA without spending any money at big chains like Starbucks or MacWhatsisname’s. The film was absorbing, funny and poignant. And although the journey might have been made in the States, it’s just as relevant to us here in Britain.

Did Dave manage to avoid giving any money to America’s big corporations? Well, he did get a bit sidetracked along the way. But other than that (and especially if you haven’t seen the film yet) I’m not giving away any spoilers. The Great Gorman has a book coming out and a tour starting soon. Question is, will the book be available at Waterstone’s and WH Smith and other representatives of ‘The Man’ over on this side of the Atlantic? ‘Cos there aren’t many Mom ‘n Pop bookshops around in Britain these days, that’s for sure.

The second series of ITV’s Saturday night monster-fest, “Primeval“, is much better than the first. The creatures that emerge from the anomalies are much more frightening and far more realistic this time round. Come to think of it, so is Hannah Spearritt’s acting.

The current series has lots more tension. For example, last week Spearritt’s character, Abby, was dragged into a canal by an urban version of the Loch Ness monster. There was an agonising ten minutes where we didn’t know if she would escape. In the event, plucky Abby survived her ordeal with hardly a hair out of place.

This week’s episode was much more emotional though. I mean, it’s one thing to put the human characters in danger. But poor old Rex really doesn’t deserve to be having such a tough time. Last week, he was put in the fridge by Connor’s girlfriend, Caroline; this week, the last we saw of him, he was lying stunned on the floor, while Caroline stood over him ready, we assume, to strike the fatal blow. Our prayers (natch) are with Rex; everyone else can take care of themselves. Can this programme possibly get any more addictive?

By the way, Primeval fans take note: a third series of Primeval is planned for 2009.

Saw Newsnight on BBC2 last night. Is it just my imagination, or is Jeremy Paxman getting more like Blake Carrington as he gets older?

Curly-haired horticultural heart-throb, Monty Don, begins a new tv series next week, called “Around the World in 80 Gardens” ( or ‘AW80G’, for short), and to say we’re looking forward to it has gotta be the understatement of the century.

Unfortunately, our advance review copy of the series has not yet arrived from the BBC (those bloomin’ bicycle couriers are such a let-down!), so I can’t actually confirm this at the time of writing, but I am led to believe that the programmes feature some fantastic gardens, including,

1. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon,
2. Mr McGregor’s vegetable patch, and
3. Robert Mugabe’s window box.

Former jeweller, Monty (a man with a fine appreciation of high-quality garden obelisks) is certain to be the perfect presenter for AW80G, and I have no doubt that the programmes will become essential viewing for all armchair gardeners. I do, however, have some concerns about Monty’s foreign travels: after spending so much time visiting exotic locations, I suspect it’s all going to make Berryfields (Monty Don’s home turf on BBC “Gardeners’ World”) look terribly dull by comparison. Look out for Oriental statuary (maybe even a pagoda) making an appearance in the Berryfields long borders later this year.

We enjoyed James May’s latest offering, My Sisters’ Top Toys, on telly this evening. Especially when he blew up one of his younger sister’s favourite toys, a plastic treehouse. May spent most of the programme pouring scorn on dolls and all things pink, but was suitably impressed with the artwork and lasting appeal of Ladybird books, the hitherto undiscovered potential of the Spirograph, and a cheap and tacky musical instrument in the form of a robot.

One bit of the programme did worry me a bit though. Apparently, Fuzzy Felt was definitely aimed at girls. (Ahem! I shall be having words about this with the Senior Frumplingtons when next we meet.)

However, James did make one little mistake: when demonstrating how Fuzzy Felt can unleash children’s imagination, he pointed to three shapes on a Fuzzy Felt background and said that the shapes could be interpreted as a space rocket. One of the shapes, said James, was ‘a rhombus’. Not being entirely sure of the facts on this, I decided to check. And, as I suspected, the shape in question was not a rhombus, but a trapezium. You see, you should never believe everything you hear on tv; especially not from a man who goes around blowing up toys.